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Paul the Psychic Octopus Predicts the Future of the Internet

19 July 2010 2 Comments

If you are not sure who Paul the psychic Octopus is, you must be living under a rock, and this rock must not be located in a small aquarium in Germany. In which case I will treat you with compassion for your unbelievable levels of ignorance and post a link to a video of Paul in action below.

If you are not some sort of Internet moron who somehow has stumbled on my unambiguous website and completely missed the legend that is Paul the psychic Octopus well I have some good news for you. Paul has made further predictions (not on the result of football matches) but the future direction of the Internet and those who dwell upon on it. I will get back to this, but first I want to examine the theories of how this superior being came to existence:

1. Pure Coincidence – I thought in the effort of balance I would examine this obviously untrue and patently false accusation that it is mere coincidence that Paul the Psychic Octopus has correctly predicted the outcome of all the matches at the world cup. I suppose it is pure coincidence that 9/11 happened when that date represented by the font windangs is a plane and two towers as well.

2. Supreme Being – Perhaps Paul is not merely a conveyor of future predictions, but some sort of aquatic demigod who has come to earth to eat mussels, entertain visitors, predict football matches, and start a series of events that will ultimately result in the demise of the human race and the planet on which we reside. OK maybe not entertaining visitors but consider what if he isn’t predicting the matches so much as he is imposing his will upon the destiny of the earth?

3. Back to the future – The most likely of the theories that surround Paul, is that he is of this world, but merely a passenger back through the passages of time. After intensive investigation is has been extrapolated based on Paul’s testimonies, that he is actually from the year 2080 and is 75 years old. Paul has been quoted stating “swim, swim, bubble, eat, ink, ink, swim” which roughly translates to “I used to swim in a private aquarium for my master, however some time in 2080 I was fed some out of date mussels and fell terribly ill. In a desperate attempt to make me better, my master underwent some experimental treatments, involving tin foil, a microwave, testicles from an ox, a copy of twilight, a unicorns horn and a modest American. OK I made the last bit up about the modest American, but some sort of accident occurred during the procedure causing a wormhole through time, in which I tragically fell into. I arrived in a German aquarium and was luckily placed in a position where I can tell my story because the aquarium people thought it was a clever idea to get football predictions from an octopus.”

So knowing that Paul is from the future I decided to ask for some insights in the future of the Internet particularly relating to webmasters. Unfortunately I was not able to secure the services of the octopus whisperer (who translated the above piece) so I was forced to merely place in glass boxes filled with mussels into his tank with two possible answers to the questions I pose to Paul. It is important to realise that I asked Paul to choose the closest correct answer so the answers are limited to how well I predict future trends. So here is the full transcript of the interview:

Adam: Hi Paul, its a pleasure to meet you, how are you?

  • Option A: Fine
  • Option B: I am a god-damn octopus what do you care?

Paul: Option A, Ink, Ink, Swim

Adam: I have been told by a reliable source that you are not in fact psychic, but have travelled back in time and was hoping to ask you some questions about the future. Let me ask you whether or not you know about me in the future and how well scribblescratch has done.

  • Option A: You have become supreme overload of the earth, on the back of huge financial wealth and popularity gained through the growth of your website scribblescratch.
  • Option B: You have become the supreme overload of the earth, on the back of huge financial wealth and popularity gained through the growth of your website scribblescratch.

Paul: Swim, chew, Option B

Adam: That very interesting although a fairly predictable outcome there. It has been recently predicted the generation x/y/z lacks the social co-ordination to become successful in the business world because of an over-dependence on technology and socializing via the new mediums. How exactly does Generation X/Y/Z stack up?

  • Option A: Compared to the baby boomers? Ha its no contest, they are the most destructive, self-indulgent in history and are looked down upon as such.
  • Option B: After Skynet was launched there really is no need to succeed in the business world.

Paul: Option A, death stare, bubble

Adam: It seems Apple, Microsoft and Google are the 3 big players in the various markets today. Will they still be around in 70 years? And if so are they still as dominant?

  • Option A: They are much the same as today, diversifying with new technologies, they have many more competitors but are still looked at as being the most powerful player in their respective industries.
  • Option B: Are you referring to the great three world republics of Googlonia, The democratic Peoples republic of Microsoft and the United States of Apple?

Paul: Option A, ink, swim

Adam: Is Steve Jobs still referred to as enlightened entrepreneur?

  • Option A: No, he is still considered a tool
  • Option B: Definitely a tool

Paul: Takes the mussel out of both boxes at the same time. Then inks.

Adam: What has been the most exciting advancement for the Internet in your life-time?

  • Option A: Virtual Reality is the norm where you can experience almost anything imaginable.
  • Option B: Spammers have been outlawed world-wide with a minimum penalty of death and enforced vigorously.

Paul: Option A

Adam: This interview and article is obviously becoming a farce with no real point, so for my last question whats the best condiment with calamari?

  • Option A: Soy Sauce
  • Option B: Tartare Sauce

(Paul smashes his glass aquarium and goes on a rampage killing 15 aquarium workers. He is shot by an off duty police officer, and we all enjoy a nice deep fried lunch with tartare sauce).

2 Comments »

  • teknospor said:

    Thank you Paul :D champion Spain.Great post. I’ve been using posts like this to get everything ready. Thanks.

    [Reply]

  • Harvey said:

    Haha, nice article. I reckon Paul’s answers were just coincidental, although if someone had followed his advise they would have made a lot of money!

    [Reply]

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