Steve Jobs – The Unofficial Biography
This is an extract from wikipedia: “Steven Paul “Steve” Jobs (born February 24, 1955) is an American business magnate, and the co-founder and chief executive officer of Apple and known turtle neck wearing tool that produces closed off electronics that have more faults then a tennis match, but inexplicitly still has a rabid fan base that rival star wars fans (or possibly the fans are one and the same) and hails him, and his products as some sort of enlightened entity, worthy of spending freezing nights in the cold to get the first copy of what will most likely be a faulty product”.
Jobs was born which seems normal enough except for the fact that he came out of the womb wearing a turtle neck. Then he was constantly bullied at school for continually demanding to be the center when playing grid-iron and refusing to throw the ball to the quarterback (rather strongly insisting the quaterback should “come and get it”) and for continually using his patented “bear hug tackle” well after the play had finished. In the mid 70’s jobs travelled to India in search for spiritual enlightenment. He returned to the united states as a shaved-head Buddhist with new found eastern philosophies such as creating shit electronics, closing off technologies, avoiding western medicines and using brilliant marketing techniques to confuse the masses and brand his company all over recent technological trends.
In 1976 along with Stephen Wozniak and Ronald Wayne he founded Apple. Secret tapes reveal the exact moment that the Apple concept came into being
Steve Jobs: I am tripping so hard on this LSD. People who don’t understand my counter-cultural roots could not fully relate to my thinking
Ronald Wayne: Your not going to still be wearing turtle necks in 30 years are you?
Jobs: You just don’t understand, Ron this LSD is one of the top 2 or three most important things I have done in my life.
Stephen Wozniak: That is because you are a giant tool Jobs.
Jobs: Shut Up Stephen and pass me the playboy.
Ronald: Can you guys imagine having a girlfriend like those ones in playboy?
Jobs: Can you imagine having a girlfriend?
Stephen: What other books do you have Jobs, I am keen for some more nudity?
Jobs: I only have the one playboy the other ones got wrecked from ah…the rain. But I have some national geographic mags, an illustrated bible and this copy of house cleaning weekly.
Ronald: Ooooh, thats a bit of a stretch Jobs.
Jobs: I know, but its not like the computers have nudity on them.
Stephen: That would be awesome we could look at naked women all the time.
Jobs: We could even make virtual girlfriends for ourselves.
Ronald: You know what, there would be heaps of people who would like this idea and pay heaps for it.
Stephen: Problem is how can everyone look at it in private. No one is going to go to the universities to look at naked women. We need something everyone can access.
Jobs: How about we make personal computers so that everyone can look at naked men. I mean wo-men.
Ronald: Pretending I didn’t hear that I think we have an idea. I think we can make computers for the average household and they can use word processing, play games, save information as data, share information, and
Jobs: Look at naked pictures
Ronald: Yes look at naked pictures, God Jobs give it a rest.
Stephen: Well what do we call it.
Jobs: (looks up from the bible) Look at this picture of eve. I can almost see everything except for this apple in the way.
Stephen: Apple….Hmmmm. I like it.
Jobs: Like what, boobies?
Stephen: No the name Apple for our company.
Ronald: What happens when people ask how we thought of the name Apple?
Jobs: Just tell them its from Einsteins infamous Apple moment.
Stephen: You mean Newton.
Ronald: Don’t worry Jobs I doubt you will last long in this company anyway
So from 1976 to 1983 nothing happened for jobs. One can only assume he begin earning enough money to buy the playboy subscription and spent many hours with his tissues and hand moisturiser (which he claimed was a result of incredibly dry skin) locked in his apartment with his developmental version of the Apple Mac. The rising cost of tissues in 1984 spurred jobs and the apple team to release the first commercially successful small computer with a graphical user interface the Macintosh. An industry wide sales slump in the end of 84 reportedly led to an internal power struggle where Jobs was relieved from his position in Apple in May 1985. However it can be revealed that the internal friction was actually caused by the board rejecting Jobs idea of making everything on the small computer from the mouse icon, to the background pictures of naked (wo)men. Jobs resigned as a result of having his creative direction ignored.
Jobs upset at the lack of progress on the nudity front then founded his own computer company to take personal computers in the direction he wanted them to go. The company was meant to be called SexY with the Y a capital for the male chromosome. However, unfortunately Jobs filled in his company applications whilst on a LSD trip and the registrar read it as NeXT. The NeXT company focused on industry applications and became popular in academic and scientific fields partly because of the innovative and experimental new technologies the computers were equipped with, but mostly because there was a free copy of playboy and national geographic with every sale.
In 1986 Jobs purchased the Graphics group later renamed Pixar and after years of selling unprofitable computers, contracted with Disney to produce some animated films. Due to lack of direct control with the creative influence in Pixar, the company actually produced some quality movies including toy story, incredibles, finding nemo, cars and the very beautiful Up.
However Jobs was at it again in 2003 whilst unsuccessfully negotiating a contract extension with Disney. In 2005 Bob Iger took over Disney and placed the exact same deal on the table for Pixar with one proviso. A free all access pass to 10 of the most popular porn sites on the Internet. An agreement was immediately reached.
Apple Mach 2
Meanwhile while Pixar was producing some solid work Apple board members whilst on their own LSD trip joked about inviting Jobs back to company. However the joke backfired when jobs did not note the sarcasm from the board and showed up at apple headquarters in 96. The board being too polite and embarrassed to point out both theirs and Jobs mistake reluctantly re-instated him in late 96 and ousted the current CEO. In the noughties the Apple company has gone from strength to strength releasing aesthetically pleasing while technologically incompetent personal electronic devices starting with the iPod. Fortunately for Apple the entire electronics industry decided to avoid the consumer trends towards these products and Apple had entire control of electronic marketing for a decade. For a few hundred dollars you could buy a technologically less advanced music device, that breaks easily and is locked to their own music store. Obviously consumers jumped at this chance to be locked down by technology . They later released the iphone.
And most recently apple is releasing the iPad an electronic device for menstruating women that lets you read books or something. Jobs claimed that he got the idea from watching THAT scene in Superbad.
In 1978 Jobs had his first child to a Bay Area Painter. Paternity of the child was initially denied in most part because jobs had never touched a women. After realising it was a result of one of the thousands of sperm donor ships Jobs used to get through college he later accepted paternity whilst remaining a virgin.
Half Man- Half Robot
In 2004 Jobs was diagnosed with a rare (less aggressive) form of pancreatic cancer. Initially, true to form he attempted to thwart the disease with a special diet and after realising how stupid that is finally decided to get a Whipple procedure to remove the tumor. Jobs announce that because of the delay in getting proper health care and after years of reportedly ill-health that he was undergoing a liver transplant. Again recently uncovered tapes of the operation reveal this is not the full extent of the story.
Surgeon: Beginning the operation how is he Doctor
Anesthetic Guy: Hard to say doctor he is still coming off an LSD trip. Will increase the dosage
Surgeon: Be careful to not decrease his brain activity too far
Anesthetic Guy: Brain Activity???
Surgeon: I’m just shitting with you, but seriously is he out yet?
Anesthetic Guy: Yes finally. Getting him to count back from 10 was very difficult. He should be fine, I am going to play around on my Ipad.
Surgeon: You bought one of those?
Anesthetic Guy: Of course its like reading a magazine on a hard glass interfaced electronic device. You can turn pages and not even have to scroll.
Surgeon: OOOOOKKKKK, Will see you later
Nurse: I have all the tools ready, Doctor
Surgeon: Well the anesthetic fixed up the final tool
Everyone: Ha Ha Ha
Anesthetic Guy: (in the distance) Fucking Ipad, where is the USB port? What? They don’t have any? You have to be kidding.
Surgeon: Making the incision now. Removing the liver. Nurse pass me the transplant.
Nurse: Doctor, I can’t find the liver transplant.
Surgeon: No, nurse pass me the mac motherboard over there.
Surgeon: Its a long story, just pass it here
Nurse: Ok, here you are doctor
Surgeon: Now connecting the CPU to his nervous system. Connecting the floppy drive connector to the, well you can guess. Connected peripherals to skin. Closing the opening now. Now pass me the Turtle Neck, the stitches and the needle.
Nurse: What for
Surgeon: Save him having to get dressed every day. Finishing the stitching, and there we go. The “job” is complete
Everyone: Ha ha ha
Nurse: You crack me up doctor. Look he is coming to
Jobs: Aw-Ew-Ah. How did it go doctor?
Surgeon: Your Mac integration was a complete success. Check your side, you have several peripheral inputs available to hook up directly to your nervous system. And your Turtle Neck looks great on you.
Jobs: What about some USB ports?
Surgeon: Of course not.
Jobs: Oh thank god. So you took my liver out as well?
Surgeon: Yes, it went exactly as we discussed.
Jobs: Ok so how is my going to break down fats, produce urea and filter my blood.
To summarise Jobs is living in the closet, as a hippie-Buddhist with his head up his arse, addicted to porn, half man, half Mac with a turtle neck permanently sewn to his torso and a company that makes crappy electronics and the inability to break down fats in his diet.
- Judgements I have made with minuscule observations
- My own sense of Jealousy of his success (and his turtle neck shirt)
- Out and out lies
Footnote: Suing me is akin to clubbing a baby seal and would result in poor branding of a company and massive drops in sales.